You and Your Relationships

Is a healthy relationship just a continuing attachment or association between persons? Or is there more involved? Once that attachment develops, how do you keep it going? What do you do if the involvement is no longer wanted? What is the best way to communicate? If a healthy relationship is the goal, what is the starting point?

One Possible Starting Point

All healthy relationships -- whether they are friendship, roommate or romantic -- have similar characteristics. The persons involved have developed a way of combining the following common qualities in a unique way that works best for them.

Four Components of a Healthy Relationship:

Respect: Learning about and valuing what is important to each person involved in the relationship.
Honesty: Being candid about thoughts, feelings, and the desired direction of the relationship will allow both you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and the relationship.
Trust: Over time, trusting your partner will be necessary for a healthy relationship, but in the beginning trust is not automatic--it has to be earned. Always trust yourself to be who you are and to look out for your well-being. It is important to remember that trust is hard to earn but easy to destroy.
Communication: Communication is equal parts listening and speaking. When you and your partner are communicating, try to make her/him feel justified in her/his emotions. Repeat what s/he is saying as you understand it and ask if you understand the situation correctly. Never bring up past events or situations--focus on the present situation. Don't expect your partner to read your mind. Be as clear and direct as possible.

Although these components are essential to all healthy relationships, this page will focus on romantic relationships for college students. For some students, college may be the first time they become involved in a romantic relationship. Others may have been involved in relationships before but the independence and college lifestyle may provide them with different opportunities and experiences

Young and Single

Many college students feel there is a lot of social pressure to enter a relationship. Being single is not only a choice but can also be beneficial. Benefits of a single lifestyle include:

independence
dating several people
spending money on things that you like and yourself
learning more about who you are and what you want
spending as much time with your friends as you want
making new friends
flirting without worrying about the repercussions.

Being single affords you an opportunity to focus on career, hobbies, travel, and pursuing other relationships, without feeling that you left someone out.

Factors to Consider When Becoming Involved in a Relationship

Some of the basics are discussed in the following paragraphs.

Individualism
Although you really care and like this person, don't forget about yourself and your needs in the process of becoming involved. Keep these things in mind:

What type of relationship are you looking for? (Friendship, long term relationship, love, casual?)
How do your personal beliefs relate to what you desire in a relationship?
What activities are you now involved in that you may want to continue doing alone?
Maintain your individualism. A relationship should enhance who you already are, not replace it.
Understand that change will happen. Over time you and your partner as individuals will change, which will lead to changes in your relationship. Change can help the relationship grow and develop, or it can lead you to the realization that you and your partner are moving in different directions. If this is the case, you and your partner may want to consider re-evaluating the relationship.

Romance
As with friendships, romantic relationships take time. Use that time to enjoy each other as friends; many times friends make the best romantic partners.

When Sex is Involved
Considering your personal beliefs about sexual relationships before becoming involved will give you a better sense of your needs and desires. Think about where those beliefs originate: family, media, friends, religion? The college years may be the first opportunity young adults have to make their own decisions. Be sure that the choices you make are the right ones for you.

Things to think about:

You can have a romantic relationship without involving sexual intercourse; don't force it if you or your partner aren't ready.
Sex should be something that you can discuss. It is best to communicate to your partner clearly and directly about sex (emotional involvement, monogamy, contraception, STI protection, etc).
Are you simply interested in casual sex or do you desire more involvement? Talk with your partner about what type of sexual relationship you both want.
If you choose to be sexually active, be sure that you know how to use condoms and other methods of STI protection. Talk with your partner about possible consequences, such as STIs and pregnancy.
Understand consent. Consent must be verbal even in the context of a relationship.

Keep It Going Strong
Conflict: Conflict exists in all relationships. Once the excitement of a new relationship has fizzled a little, tensions and conflicts may emerge. Many people in relationships fear that when problems begin to develop, it translates into a completely troubled relationship. This may cause them to avoid arguments, thinking that no fighting is equal to a healthy relationship. However, that avoidance technique may be a sign of trouble in a partnership, because disagreements are not getting resolved. When a conflict emerges, talk about the issue and try to avoid placing blame. Expressing your feelings by using "I" statements may alleviate some of the pressure on your partner and keep defenses down. For example, "I feel hurt whenever this happens" or "I felt embarrassed in that situation". When conflicts arise, also think about:

Conflict is an opportunity. The relationship can grow deeper, stay at the current level, or end.
Work at resolving conflict. It is not easy. Even the smallest issues can cause big problems.
Explain problems early. Avoid keeping them inside.

Add a little excitement:

Try new activities together . . . . .

Take a walk through campus or downtown.
Go to a concert.
Plan / take a road trip.

Do little things for each other

Write a poem for your partner.
Surprise her/him with a small gift (like chocolate or flowers).
Cook your partner's favorite meal.
Other things you know your partner would like or appreciate.

It's understandable if you need to plan events because schedules are hectic. However, every now and then try to do something spontaneous.

When It Is Time to End a Relationship

The signs:

Unhappiness in the relationship persists for a significant amount of time.
There is unresolved conflict.
You feel trapped or dependent upon your partner.
You are staying in the relationship to avoid hurting your partner.
It seems as though trust can not be rebuilt.
You are considering pursuing a relationship with someone else.

Some individuals stay in a relationship because they are "afraid" to be alone -- even when there are no feelings of love for the other person. Using a relationship as a security blanket to protect you from loneliness isn't fair to yourself or the other person and doesn't give you an opportunity to grow, learn about yourself, and find out what you need. If you're in that type of situation, ending the relationship might be best for both you and your partner.

If Things Become Abusive
With the term "abusive", many individuals think of being hit or punched, but abuse comes in many forms--from verbal abuse to sexual abuse. Sometimes it is difficult for a person to realize the relationship is abusive. Some of the following questions may help you assess your relationship.

Does your partner reduce your self-esteem?
Do you feel threatened or afraid of your partner at any time?
Does your partner try to control your decisions and your life?
Have you lost all your friends because of this relationship?
Has your partner ever hit, pushed, or forced you to have sex?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to speak with a professional about your relationship. Some of the services in Athens are:

Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS), University Health Center, 706-542-2273

The Office for Violence Prevention, 116 Memorial Hall, University of Georgia, 706-542-SAFE (7233)

Project Safe, a resource and shelter for relationship violence, 706-543-3331

How to End a Relationship
Ending a relationship can be difficult. There may be feelings of guilt, such as wondering if you tried everything possible to save the relationship, you may be afraid of emotionally hurting your partner, or you may be afraid that your partner will take the breakup the wrong way.

If you feel that ending the relationship is the best option for you, then you need to follow through no matter how difficult the process may be. In some instances you may find that your partner feels the same way, and in others your partner doesn't realize what's going on.

Holding on to a relationship that is over will only make the relationship worse and become more of a strain on you and your partner's lives. If ending a relationship is the best thing for you, then it is the best thing for your partner. Some tips:

Be honest -- with yourself and your partner.
Be respectful -- end it clearly and compassionately.
Be clear. Don't expect your partner to know what is going on. Explain the situation and your feelings fully.
Explain how you want the relationship to end (friendship, no contact, etc.).

Learn From Your Past Relationships
Every relationship is a learning experience. If one does not work out, remember what you have learned and carry it over into the next relationship. It's also important to remember that every relationship is different -- with various strengths and weaknesses. Avoiding comparisons between past and current relationships will help you focus on the benefits of your current situation.