Healthy, Consensual Sex

Communication

Since people have different ways of communicating in general and about sex in particular, it's important to be careful when drawing conclusions about consent. The bottom line is that nobody can read anybody else's mind.

Communication
Consent
Coercion
Interpreting silence
Let's all be clear

The best way to be clear about consent is to check-in with a partner by saying, "What would you like to do next?," "Do you want to do this?" or "Is this ok with you?" When in doubt, don't assume. Just ask.

Some people may worry about feeling awkward or silly asking questions like these. This is a normal reaction to trying something new. Most people find that having these conversations builds intimacy and can enhance both safety and comfort. Answering to charges of nonconsensual sex would feel much more awkward.

Consent | top

One aspect of healthy sexual activity is the presence of mutual consent. Consent means to agree together or be of the same mind. Each person is actively involved and freely communicates her/his sincere desires. There is no room for doubt or uncertainty.

Respect one another's sexual boundaries. There should never be negative consequences for declining sexual advances.

Parameters of consent:

Both individuals are equally free to act
Both individuals are fully conscious
Both individuals are positive and sincere in their desires
Both individuals are clear about their intent

Consent for sexual activity cannot be given if a person is intoxicated due to alcohol/drugs.

Coercion | top

Coercion is forcing or compelling compliance of a voluntary agent. In this situation a person is not free to act due to physical or psychological force or manipulation.

Coercion can take many forms.

Threats: Implications of physical or emotional harm.
Intimidation: Guilt-tripping, insulting, or getting angry.
Physical force: Using the body or a weapon to overpower.
Drugs or alcohol: Getting someone drunk or high so they will be less resistant and/or more compliant.
Persistence: Unrelenting requests or touching. Refuses to take no for an answer.
Manipulation: Lying or misrepresenting feelings or intentions.

Interpreting Silence | top

Consenting to sexual activity is an active — not a passive — process. Silence or the absence of a spoken no should never be mistaken for consent. True consent is clear and unambiguous; silence is inconclusive. Submitting or complying with the initiator does not indicate that consent has been given.

Let's All be Clear | top

We each have a responsibility when it comes to preventing sexual violence. Consider these traditional ideas about gender and sex. How might they contribute to the problem?

Men only want sex.
Women only want love.

Men should initiate sexual activity.
Women should resist men's sexual advances.

Men who have sex frequently are "studs."
Women who have sex frequently are "sluts."

Men are supposed to entice women into sex.
Sometimes women say no when they really mean yes.

We can take the pressure off of each other to abide by these ideas by changing the way we think, talk and act. We'll also be helping to prevent sexual violence.

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Back to Sexual Health page Healthy, Consensual Sex Communication Since people have different ways of communicating in general and about sex in particular, it's important to be careful when drawing conclusions about consent. The bottom line is that nobody can read anybody else's mind.	Communication Consent Coercion Interpreting silence Let's all be clear
The best way to be clear about consent is to check-in with a partner by saying, "What would you like to do next?," "Do you want to do this?" or "Is this ok with you?" When in doubt, don't assume. Just ask. Some people may worry about feeling awkward or silly asking questions like these. This is a normal reaction to trying something new. Most people find that having these conversations builds intimacy and can enhance both safety and comfort. Answering to charges of nonconsensual sex would feel much more awkward. Consent \| top One aspect of healthy sexual activity is the presence of mutual consent. Consent means to agree together or be of the same mind. Each person is actively involved and freely communicates her/his sincere desires. There is no room for doubt or uncertainty. Respect one another's sexual boundaries. There should never be negative consequences for declining sexual advances. Parameters of consent: Both individuals are equally free to act Both individuals are fully conscious Both individuals are positive and sincere in their desires Both individuals are clear about their intent Consent for sexual activity cannot be given if a person is intoxicated due to alcohol/drugs. Coercion \| top Coercion is forcing or compelling compliance of a voluntary agent. In this situation a person is not free to act due to physical or psychological force or manipulation. Coercion can take many forms. Threats: Implications of physical or emotional harm. Intimidation: Guilt-tripping, insulting, or getting angry. Physical force: Using the body or a weapon to overpower. Drugs or alcohol: Getting someone drunk or high so they will be less resistant and/or more compliant. Persistence: Unrelenting requests or touching. Refuses to take no for an answer. Manipulation: Lying or misrepresenting feelings or intentions. Interpreting Silence \| top Consenting to sexual activity is an active — not a passive — process. Silence or the absence of a spoken no should never be mistaken for consent. True consent is clear and unambiguous; silence is inconclusive. Submitting or complying with the initiator does not indicate that consent has been given. Let's All be Clear \| top We each have a responsibility when it comes to preventing sexual violence. Consider these traditional ideas about gender and sex. How might they contribute to the problem? Men only want sex. Women only want love. Men should initiate sexual activity. Women should resist men's sexual advances. Men who have sex frequently are "studs." Women who have sex frequently are "sluts." Men are supposed to entice women into sex. Sometimes women say no when they really mean yes. We can take the pressure off of each other to abide by these ideas by changing the way we think, talk and act. We'll also be helping to prevent sexual violence.
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