Photo of Fall leaves at the Health Center

Grief and Loss

If there is one experience that unites us all, it is that of grief and loss. None of us will be spared. All of us will die and all of us will lose ones we love. At CAPS, the loss that brings the majority of students to see us is not death but the loss of a relationship. For some, that loss is as profound as death.

When we experience loss, we need to heal by grieving. Worden, a prominent therapist in the field, states that there are four pieces of work we need to do when we experience loss. The first is to accept the reality of the loss. To accept a loss means to acknowledge that it happened. It does not mean that we like the loss. With breakups, accepting a loss can be difficult for two reasons. One is that there can be mixed messages about the finality of the breakup and fantasies of reconciliation. The second is that we don't have rituals to help us deal with relationship endings. We may say the relationship died but there is no hearse carrying the corpse of what was once sustaining and fulfilling.

The second piece of work is probably the most crucial. It is experiencing the pain of our loss. Grief hurts. It can shake us to our bones. Among the most common feelings when we are grieving are sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, yearning, and shock. We can be frightened by the pain of grief. It's hard to know how to bear it when we really don't want to face it. We can avoid thoughts about the loss, idealize the one we lost and not feel pain. But because pain is not there, it doesn't mean that the pain is gone. It has just gone underground.

The third piece of work involves adapting to the changes brought on by the loss. For students who are experiencing breakups, that means making new connections or reconnecting with friends. This is not easy. All too often we place friends on the back burner when we're in love. We don't tend and nurture our friendships. It can feel awkward and strange reconnecting to people we have in effect ignored.

The final piece of work is to find the courage to move forwards, to love again, and to affirm life. Loss cuts deeply. To trust and hope feels dangerous and foolhardy. But staying still or looking backwards will only make us more miserable.

How we respond to loss depends upon a number of factors. The first is the strength and security of the bond that has been broken. As you might expect, the stronger the bond and the more it contributed to a sense of security, the more intense the grief. A second factor is our history of losses and how we grieved those prior losses. Current losses create ripples that move backwards in time. Earlier losses such as the departure of a parent through death or divorce can make later losses harder to bear. A third factor affecting how we respond to loss is our coping styles. Many students deal with loss by drinking or using drugs more frequently. Many students know this is not a good way of coping, but they don't see an alternative and they don't want to hurt. Finally, our support system plays a crucial role in how we deal with loss. If we are blessed to have a circle of people who envelop us in their warmth and support, we will heal sooner. Grief that is borne alone is grief that takes a long time to go away.

What can you do now if you are experiencing a significant loss? Remember, there is no right way to grieve. People grieve in different ways. Remember that grief takes time. We live in a culture that doesn't like to see people in grief. We're impatient to have our friends get back to "normal". Sometimes our helplessness in the face of deep loss leads us to turn away from the grieving person. This only makes the person feel more alone. Finally, the more we can share our grief with supportive others, the more we will heal. We can learn from our losses as painful as it is. We can carry the good with us and leave the bad on the side of the road. Grief brings out our common humanity. It can make us more compassionate and even wise.